Letters to My Son

March 20th, 2025

Dear Odin,

I've decided to start writing a diary again, but in the form of letters to you. I think it may help with my sudden wave of Existential Dread that I think may be caused by my hormones being wacky post-partum.

You are currently sitting in front of me in your rocker, playing with your sleep sack, hunched over, trying to figure out how to use your muscles to sit up on your own. You just woke up from a long post-bottle nap and now you're starting to fuss.

The Existential Dread is very unpleasant and strange. I've read this is also a relatively common experience for new parents. I've seen a few people online talk about how they suddenly became very aware of their own morality. I've had a profound experience like this before when I was a teenager, though I think it was quite a bit darker (and also probably caused by hormones).

It was triggered by a mix of suicidal ideation, undiagnosed OCD, and just being a teenager... Oh, and a pretty huge crisis of faith - I was still Catholic at the time and the whole concept of God and the Afterlife just stopped making sense, and it terrified me. Actually plunged me into a world of darkness - my perception of colour was drained and faded and everything felt cold and joyless.

I became comforted with a more spiritual, metaphyiscal, way of thinking about existence, like that bit from the Upanishads about how Atman is a drop of water that joins the ocean (Brahman), or the opening lyrics of "Aerials" by System of a Down. This idea that lose our sense of self and become one with the Universe.

I'm less comforted by this now because of you (not to sound accusatory). It's strange and incredibly stressful - my concern with this Existential Dread isn't with myself so much, but for you without me. You need me so much right now and I'm so afraid of becoming incapacitated and you becoming helpless. I hate how unpredictable and cruel life can be as much as it can be amazing and beautiful.

There's so many wonderful things about life, Odin. Death is a necessary part of it, but it is a mysterious part, one we likely will never be able to reflect upon, and, we know from all of these years of human existence, we can't communicate with the living about it.

I've lost a number of people in the last few years, which has been pretty overwhelming and makes me feel like I am inches from the edge of darkness if I dwell on the negative feelings for too long. Sadly, I haven't recieved any definite communications from these people from beyond, but I have had at least four dreams about a friend of mine, and Nanny Gigi was visited by a cardinal shortly after her father's death. I also constantly find dimes everywhere, which is one common bits of folklore for communing with the dead.

I hope I have plenty of time with you, Odin. I've often joked that I'd like to die when I'm 110, because then I would have lived within 3 centuries. I kinda wish someone would arrange to have flowers put on my grave for my 110th birthday (because I will likely die before then, let's be realistic). But I wish so hard, I beg to the powers of the Universe, that I will be here for you, to see you go to school, to graduate, to maybe have kids of your own, and beyond. If reincarnation exists, I want to be with you always in every life and hanging out in that vast primordial ocean.

You're getting your next rounds of shots tomorrow and hopefully we'll be able to check up on my blood pressure too. I predict you will be very sleepy - you were last time, but you have been fighting naps lately, so who knows?

I'm hoping to have a relaxing shower to myself, but alas, you are a bit fussy and not very sleepy, so I think I'll have to bring you into the bathroom with me.

Lots of love and some annoyance,

Mom

March 20th, 2025 (later in the night)

Dear Odin,

You are currently not interested in sleeping, which is fair - you did have a long nap. I'm hoping the white noise machine will help, but I suspect you will get fussy and probably want another bottle soon. This will hopefully help you sleep, but we shall see.

I was thinking about what memories I will probably look back on in dying (morbid, I know), but as of now, the best memories are of you and my pregnancies. I think I will keep coming back to me kissing the bridge of your nose while you're sleeping, me singing various iterations of the word "baby" at you which makes you smile, and the moment you were placed on my chest after birth... I recall asking you to breathe and cry for me because you were quiet - it was a huge relief when you finally did.

Going back to my Existential Dread, I have inevitably been doing a lot of reading and have seen some interesting takes about death and conciousness. I'm not entirely sure why I do this to myself because it isn't entirely comforting, but I guess I just think maybe being informed will prepare me? Not sure. Are we ever truly prepared? I did this obsessive reading when my friend died - I just desperately wanted to better understand his suicide and what the psychology behind that is, but I'm not sure it helped.

So, some of the things I've read... There was this article in Psychology Today that I read about a paper that talked about how consciousness is filtered by the brain and how we maybe don't completely understand how our consciousness functions until after death due to that filter. I think it was compared to Dark Matter, and how we can't percieve the full spectrum of colour and sound even though we know there's more to it than what we're actually aware of. This made me feel a bit better. It kind of touched on Indigenous ideas of the self becoming one with the Earth and Universe after death.

But then I saw another article that said our idea of the duality of the brain and mind is delusional and there was some evolutionary comparisons to the concept of "thanatosis" or the "freeze" instinct from "fight, flight, fawn, freeze". This made me feel less better. Logic tells me this is just my too human brain trying to make sense out of something completely unknowable, and trying to find patterns and connections to World Religions, or Folk Traditions, or the Metaphysical. I've strongly felt that the "Meaning of Life" is the meaning you give it, but in times of Existential Dread, it's easy to feel like everything is random and pointless, which it very well could be, but to fully commit to that world view, I think, could be damaging for one's quality of life.

Getting into the more "Metaphysical", I've seen some interesting reincarnation-type theories. Personally, I love the spooky shit kids say and the stories kids tell about previous lives, or their memories of birth, are so interesting and often fun. Less fun is the idea that we're in a "Matrix"-like simulation, or a "Prison Planet". Those theories inevitably land into some unfortunate, often Anti-Semetic, territories and I think are ultimately quite sad.

Basically, that idea relates a bit to the idea of reincarnation in Buddhism, and how each cycle we learn lessons and how the goal is to become a Boddhisatva, or Buddha, and then cease being a part of the wheel of suffering and achieve oneness with the universe (if I recall correctly - it has been a while since I've taken any religions classes in University). But the "Prison Planet" or "Cosmic Academy" ideas suggest that our consciousnesses, or our souls/spirits, are 4 dimensional beings (I wonder if maybe a future version/evolution of humans?) trying to learn from our lives, but there is an element of cruelty there - lives can be hard, short, or boring. Many people in my generation are suicidal and actively refuse to have children so as not to put someone else through existence. Why continously put a spirit through that with no idea what lessons they have learned in a previous life? If being reborn in order to learn all that needs learning in order to reach Enlightenment, why the mind wipe? This is why some people think that maybe this is a punishment. I want to think that it's more educational - maybe a means for future humans, or maybe a more advanced alien species, to understand us as we are now.

Others have thought that maybe we relive our lives repeatedly with small changes, which helps explain Déja Vu, but while I hope to always be in a life with you in it, this also feels cruel to people who have had rough lives.

I'm not totally opposed to the simulation idea or the reliving idea (maybe in an alternate reality/timeline?). Again, logically, it scratches that human itch for patterns and tidy explanations, and I think also our cyclical understanding of the universe - the universe goes bang, everything is created, we spin 'round and 'round due to the pull of gravity (or whatever - I'm not a scientist), the sun rises, then sets, Spring comes after Winter, the sun grows, the planets and stars die, the lights go out, time ceases to exist, the universe collapses in on itself, and then it bangs again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I find perception of time really trippy. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow, sometimes it disappears altogether, like with sleep and surgery. I do wonder how losing one's memory feels chronologically. Do you experience the day-to-day and then there's a blip if you've lost your memory? Then where were you during that blip? You can't have been on autopilot, but where did you go? Same with dementia - do you not experience life chronologically?

My grandfather (Papa's dad) has dementia. So does my grandma (Gigi's mom), but they have different types. Grandpa keeps regressing through time (he seems to currently think he's a teenager), while grandma's short term memory is mostly what is affected. I'd rather not have dementia, but if I had a choice, I think I'd prefer grandma's version. Old people are often forgetful. As grandma herself says: "I don't have dementia - I'm just old." That's the spirit, grandma. You tell 'em.

After another bottle, you are now asleep. You always sleep with your head turned to the left side, which has given you a bit of a dent on the side of your head. No amount of "Tummy Time" could have prevented that. You managed to turn completely onto your right side this morning, so I suspect you'll start sleeping completely on your side soon. I just ordered your crib, so soon you'll have more room to wriggle around.

I'm looking forward to Papa and Gigi coming back up to see us again in a month. You've grown and changed so much since Christmas. It'll be nice to get a bit more sleep too and help with you in general.

Being a single mom has been fine for me so far. Definitely hard, and scary, where I don't feel well, but it has been lovely so far and I'm so looking forward to you growing more, and learning, and playing.

I hope you and I will get to enjoy life together. You're my little buddy.

Lots of love... and sleepiness (it's very late)...

Mom

March 21st, 2025

Dear Odin,

You are currently sound asleep in your bassinet. It's getting warmer outside, but throughout your entire life so far, I keep worrying that the sleep sack isn't warm enough. I'm all snuggled in my blankets and feel like you should be too. I just felt your little hand and you don't feel cold, so I guess you're warm enough, but I think I'll worry regardless.

Woke up thinking about non-existence. Cheerful to think about first thing in the morning (sarcasm). Just that transition from not here, to here, to not here is a bit spooky, but definitely miraculous. Being alive, being able to enjoy sensations, to interact with other beings, to having thought and emotions... It's a bit too much sometimes and I think I will return to a point of thankfulness that after a long life, or a hard life, there's peace. A lot of people who have experienced Near-Death Experiences talk about a feeling of immence love and joy and peace, which sounds like a pleasant thing to have evolved to do. That being said, people do have negative experiences too, but I've seen some people say that they believe that feeling of love would probably find them in the end - it seems cruel not to.

But all of this just really convinces me of how pointless and despicable war and corporate greed is. Why waste your short time here hating and actively harming other people and damaging the one home we have? For what? To be able to say that this land is now your land because you've murdered everyone that have been there consistently for thousands of years? You're gonna spend your short time here murdering children? Your relatives? Or for corporate greed - why hoard your wealth and let the poor and working class suffer? So we can go to Mars? I think it'd be really cool to put humans on Mars too (maybe going back to the Moon first just to make sure we can still do that, and maybe install a long term colony there to see what it's like), but let's try to end suffering here first, right? Also, why hasten the need for a colony on another planet when we could just help the Earth heal? Wouldn't that be better to let our technology develop over time in a way that is healthier for us and the planet? Then we can have our Star Trek moment. We were literally borne of this planet - odds are we'll never find one just like her.

I got to see the total eclipse when I was pregnant with you. Aside from, well, giving birth, seeing the eclipse was the coolest thing I've ever done. The sky became twilight in the middle of the day. The birds seemed to sense something was off. There was a collective sense of awe and a vibration of excited energy. Seeing the Moon covering the Sun was incredible - the little beads of light along the edge - the all-powerful Sun became a ring in the sky. There was a lunar eclipse a few days ago, and there's a robot on the Moon that took a picture of the Earth eclipsing the Sun. It's really cool to think of that synchronistic relationship we have with our Moon - it's very unique in our Solar System and probably in our Galaxy. If our species does manage to leave Earth to colonize other planets, I hope we keep a whole database of images and videos of our planet. As I said previously, I don't think we'll find anything like her elsewhere.

There's a lovely theory that we're here and conscious so that the Universe can wonder at itself. It makes me think of those images of bears looking at water, taking in the views.

I'm watching something about AI right now. I wonder how it's going to change in the future. I really hope that it gets regulated. I can see it becoming very dangerous. It's already dangerous, really. Deepfakes and false information are already pretty rampant

You are just chilling in your rocker, sneezing, squealing, grumbling - not a care in the world. I'm currently playing with your toes with my toes - kind of like a baby-safe "Foot War". You are facinated by it.

Just finished watching the Season 2 finale of "Severance" and I have a lot of thoughts about it. Maybe I'll write about it someday when I can really sit down and organize those thoughts.

That show is also pretty Existential. I seem to be drawn to this stuff lately... or is it being attracted to me? I justed started watching an interview about Religious Studies and, of course, it's also getting pretty Existential.

We had your 4-month appointment today. You had your vaccine boosters, which you did not enjoy, but otherwise, you did really well. You were a little star when I had to leave you at the Nurses' Station when I did my blood pressure test. The nurses gushed about how sweet you are. You seem to really like people, mostly I think because it's usually just you and I, so you're probably thinking "What!? Other people exist!?" whenever you see anyone else.

You're having a nap. You're not as sleepy as you were when you had your first set of shots. I'm finishing making supper right now - a stir fry. I'll have a look at the Vietnamese cookbook I have again soon - your Donor Dad's mom was/is a really good cook, according to him, so I feel a bit like I need to make more of an effort. Lately, all I've been cooking has been tacos, stir fries, and poke bowls. I suppose that is largely what I have the energy for.

I've been thinking a bit about time today. It's so strange how we exist both in the present and the past - it's weird thinking about the future... It's kinda here before we know it, but we dream about, dread it... That can also get Existential pretty fast.

I still feel pregnant with you sometimes. I often instinctively touch my belly as though you are still in there, and I suppose you still are in the past, or in another timeline/dimension. It's pretty amazing that you're here with me.

Gigi asked me after you were born if I could picture life as it was without you, and I said that I still could because it wasn't long ago, and I think that's still my answer. I also said that the thought of it made me too sad, which is even more so that case. I certainly don't wish to picture life without you and hope that you will be with me until the day I die (hopefully a little old lady by that point, maybe a little grumpy and tired of being here).

I wonder if you still remember when you were in my womb, or when you were born. I suspect you do at least a little bit because of how you sometimes like the sound machine for sleeping. I definitely remember you kicking around in there. Maybe I'll write more about my pregnancies later? I could give you all the details.

It's weird to think that all that might be left of humanity in the future is the internet and radio waves, if any other lifeform(s) can access them. I've heard of people wanting to upload their consciousnesses one day, before or upon death, whenever that is possible. Though, I'm not sure how I feel about that. Would you only awaken if someone accesses your file on a computer? Will the mind just be floating in the internet? Will our consciousnesses, or energies, just float around in space? Maybe I should do mushrooms (joking... maybe?). Maybe we'll do those together one day - that could be fun. A good, wholesome, mom and son bonding activity (joking again... maybe??). I've heard they're starting to use mushrooms during chemotherappy treatments. I should read more about that.

You just woke up and you don't look too happy. I'll write to you again soon!

Much love,

Mom

March 22nd, 2025

Dear Odin,

I'm finally watching the film "Poor Things" and it's really good. There was a lot of fuss about it when it first came out - some degree of anti-sexuality, I think. I really feel for and, to some degree, relate to the main character, Bella. She longs for experience, and feeling, and has a strong sense of justice. The music in the film is very interesting too. The visuals are really great and the costumes are amazing.

Everytime I laugh, I startle you, and for that, I apologize.

Your looks are changing a bit again. They've transformed quite a bit since you've been born - you were jaundiced, so your skin coloured changed, your eyes were a dark grey, and then a blue-y brown, now a dark brown... You keep filling out - your cheeks are chubbier, as well as your hands and legs. I think you looked more like me when you were born, but now I think you're a pretty even 50/50 split between me and your Donor Dad.

You seem to be fighting sleep during the day lately. I imagine you will probably start taking longer naps mid-day soon rather than many shorter naps.

All this Existential Stuff inevitably makes me think of people I've lost. My friend is often at the fore-front of my mind. He was such a kind, but dark, person and I really cared about him. He was a very sad person. People often called him "Eeyore" and he was very much that, but he had a sweetness about him too. He was very helpful and very involved in the community I currently teach in. He was here off-and-on for 10 years and became something of a pillar. The day after I met him, he just showed up at my doorstep, asking me to go berry-picking with him. I think I was kind of doomed to like him at that point - he was making an effort to have some sort of relationship with me and that meant a lot.

There's a lot of regret with him. Things I wish I said and did, I wish I didn't make things weird, and a part of me has that very silly, and untrue, feeling that maybe I could have done something to prevent him from taking his own life, but I fear the best I would have done is maybe delay the inevitable. He was a complicated person who had a very dark cloud over his head everyday, but sometimes a light shone through. He deserved better than what he got.

Situations like his make me feel conflicted about an Afterlife, or reincarnation. Hard lives deserve a very long break, I think. A higher state of consciousness, full of peace, love, and oneness with the Universe, or at least to come back as a well-loved lazy cat, or a strong, beautiful tree. I hope he is free from suffering and full of the strongest of loves, though I selfishly wish he would still be here, and have a chill, fulfilling life as himself.

I often wondered how things would have been different during my pregnancies and during early motherhood - I probably wouldn't have needed a car as I'm sure he probably would have insisted on driving me everywhere.

I dreamt about him a little while after he died. We were sitting on a beach and he was telling me something really profound, but of course I forgot what he said as soon as I got up. He looked peaceful. I hope that he is at peace.

You're currently asleep in your bassinet. We'll hopefully have a crib in our room soon. I felt so overcome with love for you that I just had to snuggle you several times today.

Much love and more snuggles,

Mom

March 23rd, 2025

Dear Odin,

I printed out some Last Will and Testament documents online that were free. I figure it'll be a good idea to have something prepared now so I won't have to worry about it in the future. Mind you, I probably should have done it ages ago. I think I'll write down my after death wishes too, like what I want done with my body and what sort of ceremony I'd like, etc. While right now all this Existential Dread is bordering on unhealthy, having things more or less prepared for my family is a good idea in general.

You are pretty fussy tonight. Which can be a lot, not gonna lie. It's probably one of the hardest things about parenthood - being tired yourself while your child doesn't want to sleep at all. I've tried a few things - rocking you, holding you kind of tightly, put on the sound machine... I'm currently laying down, facing away from you, which sometimes works - it kinda tells you that I'm not available and that sometimes makes it so you can self-soothe. We'll see if it works though.

I think the migraine medication they gave me worked maybe for one day. I think I'll call them tomorrow to see if we can try the IV drip version that supposedly works well.

Took you a while to fall asleep. Lately, you have been iffy about your bottle, and I wonder if that's because you've been fighting sleep somewhat. I assume you probably know that milk makes you sleepy and so you don't want it if it's gonna make you sleep. That's fair. Lately, I've been fighting sleep a bit too - I think it's freaking me out all little because of all the Existential Stuff. My friends say this fear passes at least a little, but I'm a bit worried that I'm gonna need some Vallium or something. I need a massage for sure, and maybe sex (sorry, gross and TMI for you, I'm sure).

Much love and fatigue,

Mom

March 24th, 2025

Dear Odin,

Yeah, I think you're fighting sleep. Holy crap, you were so fussy earlier. I love you, but the fussiness definitely drives me bonkers. I have a feeling that your "Terrible Twos" are gonna be interesting.

Finished my Legal Will and went over it with my parents. Worst case scenario, you'll be taken care of by Gigi and Papa, or Auntie Shy. That does make me feel a little better about all the Existential Stuff.

Just to put it out there into the Universe, I'd like to reiterate that, ideally, I'd like to live to 110 so that I can live within 3 different centuries, but I'd also be pretty chill about dying after a long battle with cancer in my 80s or 90s.

You're getting antsier. You're not as hungry today, but you are bouncing around, trying to roll over, pull down your mobile, etc. You're gonna be a handful when you start crawling around. I'm gonna have to get a move-on for child-proofing the house. Maybe those are things for me to look at tomorrow when we, hopefully, head to the Co-Op. I need to get a transparent shower curtain and I want to look at picture frames.

I'll have to do more organizing in the coming weeks! We'll have some of your clothes that need switching out for bigger sizes, as well as getting you transfered to the crib.

Much love,

Mom

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